Laying still in the MRI...wash cloth covering my eyelids so i could trick myself into believing "i am not in a tightly confined space"...i listen to the whir...the hum...then the klonk, klonk, click of the machine taking pictures of my dizzy brain. I breathe a little sigh..and rest. "Well, here i am LORD...here. i. am."
Then in my minds eye, while i relaxed in that monstrous machine...i envisioned a path...a path with me on it...now that path didn't appear so horribly bad....but it obviously wasn't the path i had chosen to be on...i knew that because i kept looking to the right side...off the path...and saying out loud, "Are YOU sure LORD? This is the right path? Are YOU sure? Cause this path seems like a stinking waste of time to me." My face was crunched into a quizzical expression as i continued to point to the path and ask, "LORD, this path? Are YOU sure?" And i would step tiptoe on the path in front of me...kinda light like...seeing if this senseless path was gonna hold my weight.
I did this for awhile and when no voice from Heaven came...i continued, "LORD, YOU could step in front of me on this path anytime YOU wanted to. YOU could interrupt me as i'm walking this lane and lay YOUR hand on my head and heal me. YOU could grab my hand and lead me off this path at any moment...anyplace along this way...and we could walk off this path together in full health...YOU could do that LORD." Still nothing. No GOD talk. Just me looking off the path, up to the Heavens, with that inquiring wanna-know look.
Then we hit it. The nail on the head. GOD wasn't talking cause i already knew what HE would say. I've been here before, i imagine i'll be here again. HE was waiting for full surrender on this particular path of mine. And i realized what HE was getting at.
HIS silence conveyed more to me than 1,000 words.
HIS silence meant HE knew it was hard...
and HE knew i was breaking...
and HE hadn't changed HIS mind.
This was the path...at least for now...and only HE has the wisdom to know how long i would be walking it.
It's a very UN-favorite prayer of mine. That "THY will be done prayer." It goes against everything naturally in me to say THOSE words. THOSE words that i avoided for many years...cause i didn't mean it...not really...not truly...not wholly.
THOSE were the very words that my JESUS uttered as HE struggled in the garden...taking a stop on HIS path...to Calvary. Sweating blood and talking to HIS FATHER about the last leg of the journey HE was meant to take.
I imagine JESUS looked at HIS FATHER in Heaven...off HIS path to the right...and inquiring of HIM..."This is the right path FATHER, right? Remind ME, I'M on the right path."
That "THY will be done prayer." It's a biggie. And i'm about 3 large steps on my path away from it. Yeah, just about 3 yards away from laying it all down, deciding i really don't know best, bowing before Heaven's throne and declaring..."LORD, i trust in YOUR wisdom...in YOUR goodness...and in YOUR power............
THY WILL BE DONE on this earth (pointing to my human body) as it is in Heaven."
So that's where i'm at along my life's journey. Dizzy and tired and sorta kinda grouchy. Inching forward towards the last few feet of surrender. Sometimes sitting down on the side of the path to cry it out. Sometimes standing on that path with hands lifted towards Heaven. Sometimes scuffing my feet. Sometimes picking up my gait.
And i wonder out loud to the LORD, as i crunch up my nose and look off my path to the right...just how long it will take me to reach the finish line marked THY WILL BE DONE this time?