It was supposed to be my last time to see my son before he was sent off to a Federal Prison to fulfill a 15 month sentence. It was supposed to be a Mothers Day that i would physically have the blessing of hugging all my children. It was supposed to be. But making the last turn into the County Complex, my driving son turned to me and said "I will lock the car, you can leave your stuff in here." That's when it hit me. I had traveled 50 minutes to visit my waiting kid...and i had forgotten my I.D.
Having a concussion for 2 months has been a bummer. One of the inconveniences is that i am unable to drive and must be chauffeured around. One of the fun things is i can pocket my cell phone and grab some cash if needed. I rarely lug my heavy purse anymore. And i like it that way. Until today.
"Oh Heath," I wailed, "I forgot my licence!"
And that was that. There was no going back. There was no rescheduling. There were no other acceptable forms of I.D. There were no more visits. There was absolutely nothing to be done. I had made a big mistake. And it was gonna cost me...and my kid.
Repeatedly i questioned Heath..."Josh is gonna be okay, right? He will be okay?"
"Mom..he WILL be okay. I will go and see him myself. He will just be glad someone is there. It will be okay."
"Okay, tell him i love him. And i miss him. And i am right outside that window praying for him. And give him this from me." I stretched over and hugged the one son within my reach.
"I will."
I drove to the very edge of the parking lot. As far away as i could from cars and people. And i bowed my head and cried. Buckets and buckets of tears. Through sobs i glanced at the darkened windows where i knew my 2 sons were sitting. I retraced the steps into the building...through the detectors...past the uninviting policemen at the desk...into the dank waiting area...through the locked door...into the small hall where all guests smushed together...through the next locked door and into the visiting station...where 2 of my 6 sons were sitting on hard metal stools with glass between them.
I wept openly, sometimes uncontrollably, at the pain of it all. And that is when i remembered the ageless verse in Genesis that i had thought of many. many times before in my mothering career.
To the woman HE said, "I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children."...Genesis 3:16
There is little about child birthing that is easy...from monthly periods...to pregnancy...to labor and delivery...and then into sleepless nights...childhood illnesses...hormones...grappling for independence...personal choices....and watching your babies struggle into adulthood and beyond.
If it were not worth it in the long run...we mamas would not keep doing it...over and over again...we do see that the joys of mothering outweigh the heartaches...yet i am convinced that laboring for our children never stops....i am certain that as long as i am alive i will labor for my kids...and labor is pain.
So.... i sat and i cried and i reflected on my 10 pregnancy labors. With the exception of one born to early by c-section, i labored long and hard for those babies. And by my choice i used no medicines or medical interventions...also by choice it was just me and my husband...and an occasional pesky doctor or nurse.
Between sobs, i remembered what was important to me during those birthings....what helped me get through all the hours of pain...what gave me the most strength.
My husband was the best labor coach. He knew me. He had learned just what to do...and he did it well. He never made light of my pain. He didn't try to take the pain. Or distract me from it. He knew i was a silent concentrator and he let me do my thing.
He held my hand and didn't let go....ever.
And he told me over and over, quietly and gently...
1."You're doing great."
2. "I am so proud of you,
3. "Everything is going fine."
4. "The baby is fine."
5. "You are fine."
6. "You are gonna get through this."
7. "This is what you were created for!"
Remembering my laboring strategies made me feel stronger while weeping in my car. I was feeling birthing pains again today and i knew it. Birthing my children into their next phase of life (whatever that may be) wasn't easy for me. And now i would rely on my many birthing experiences to get me through this hard mommy moment.
As i sobbed... i reached out and grabbed onto the steering wheel of my car. "LORD, hold my hand...hold my hand LORD and LORD don't let go"......and "LORD, talk to me..talk me through."
He held my hand and didn't let go....ever.
And he told me over and over, quietly and gently...
1."You're doing great."
2. "I am so proud of you,
3. "Everything is going fine."
4. "The baby is fine."
5. "You are fine."
6. "You are gonna get through this."
7. "This is what you were created for!"
An hour latter my free son emerged. He had seen Josh. Josh was fine. They had a nice visit.
He said to tell you, "He loves you...and he misses you...and Happy Mothers Day."
I took a deep, cleansing breathe between contractions...there would be many more coming this week...labor is a long, hard process.....ya gotta breathe and relax when ya can.
Having a concussion for 2 months has been a bummer. One of the inconveniences is that i am unable to drive and must be chauffeured around. One of the fun things is i can pocket my cell phone and grab some cash if needed. I rarely lug my heavy purse anymore. And i like it that way. Until today.
"Oh Heath," I wailed, "I forgot my licence!"
And that was that. There was no going back. There was no rescheduling. There were no other acceptable forms of I.D. There were no more visits. There was absolutely nothing to be done. I had made a big mistake. And it was gonna cost me...and my kid.
Repeatedly i questioned Heath..."Josh is gonna be okay, right? He will be okay?"
"Mom..he WILL be okay. I will go and see him myself. He will just be glad someone is there. It will be okay."
"Okay, tell him i love him. And i miss him. And i am right outside that window praying for him. And give him this from me." I stretched over and hugged the one son within my reach.
"I will."
I drove to the very edge of the parking lot. As far away as i could from cars and people. And i bowed my head and cried. Buckets and buckets of tears. Through sobs i glanced at the darkened windows where i knew my 2 sons were sitting. I retraced the steps into the building...through the detectors...past the uninviting policemen at the desk...into the dank waiting area...through the locked door...into the small hall where all guests smushed together...through the next locked door and into the visiting station...where 2 of my 6 sons were sitting on hard metal stools with glass between them.
I wept openly, sometimes uncontrollably, at the pain of it all. And that is when i remembered the ageless verse in Genesis that i had thought of many. many times before in my mothering career.
To the woman HE said, "I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children."...Genesis 3:16
There is little about child birthing that is easy...from monthly periods...to pregnancy...to labor and delivery...and then into sleepless nights...childhood illnesses...hormones...grappling for independence...personal choices....and watching your babies struggle into adulthood and beyond.
If it were not worth it in the long run...we mamas would not keep doing it...over and over again...we do see that the joys of mothering outweigh the heartaches...yet i am convinced that laboring for our children never stops....i am certain that as long as i am alive i will labor for my kids...and labor is pain.
So.... i sat and i cried and i reflected on my 10 pregnancy labors. With the exception of one born to early by c-section, i labored long and hard for those babies. And by my choice i used no medicines or medical interventions...also by choice it was just me and my husband...and an occasional pesky doctor or nurse.
Between sobs, i remembered what was important to me during those birthings....what helped me get through all the hours of pain...what gave me the most strength.
My husband was the best labor coach. He knew me. He had learned just what to do...and he did it well. He never made light of my pain. He didn't try to take the pain. Or distract me from it. He knew i was a silent concentrator and he let me do my thing.
He held my hand and didn't let go....ever.
And he told me over and over, quietly and gently...
1."You're doing great."
2. "I am so proud of you,
3. "Everything is going fine."
4. "The baby is fine."
5. "You are fine."
6. "You are gonna get through this."
7. "This is what you were created for!"
Remembering my laboring strategies made me feel stronger while weeping in my car. I was feeling birthing pains again today and i knew it. Birthing my children into their next phase of life (whatever that may be) wasn't easy for me. And now i would rely on my many birthing experiences to get me through this hard mommy moment.
As i sobbed... i reached out and grabbed onto the steering wheel of my car. "LORD, hold my hand...hold my hand LORD and LORD don't let go"......and "LORD, talk to me..talk me through."
He held my hand and didn't let go....ever.
And he told me over and over, quietly and gently...
1."You're doing great."
2. "I am so proud of you,
3. "Everything is going fine."
4. "The baby is fine."
5. "You are fine."
6. "You are gonna get through this."
7. "This is what you were created for!"
An hour latter my free son emerged. He had seen Josh. Josh was fine. They had a nice visit.
He said to tell you, "He loves you...and he misses you...and Happy Mothers Day."
I took a deep, cleansing breathe between contractions...there would be many more coming this week...labor is a long, hard process.....ya gotta breathe and relax when ya can.